Two Drunks Equal One Harem
by Lady FoxFire
Summary: What happens when you learn that your father and godfather gifted you with your very own harem? It's not always a pretty thing.


**Title:** Two Drunks Equal One Harem

**Author:** Lady Foxfire

**Pairing:** None

**Warning:** None

**Setting:** Post Voldemort's death

**Category(s):** Humor

**Summary:** What happens when you learn that your father and godfather gifted you with your very own harem? It's not always a pretty thing.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own the Harry Potter series nor do I make any money from this story.

**Bad Author Notes:** I decided to write a different take on the Harry gets a harem fic.

* * *

Harry paced back and forth across the battlements muttering to himself and occasionally gesturing wildly. This was how Hermione and Neville found him after searching the castle for the past few hours.

"Harry," Hermione spoke soothingly as she carefully approach her friend.

Turning around at the sound of his name, Harry looked at Hermione. His eyes were wild with panic. "Hermione," he gasped as he grabbed her by the shoulders. "You have to help me. Please you have to help me."

"Of course I will," Hermione gently directed Harry over to a bench someone had dragged up here and pushed in down until he was seated.

"What happened, Harry?" Neville asked, walking over to his friends.

"Gringotts sent me a letter," Harry ran a hand nervously through his hair.

"They're not demanding payment for what happened, are they, Harry?" Hermione demanded. "If Griphook hadn't betrayed us, no one would have been hurt."

Harry ran his hand through his hair again. "I wish they were. It would have been easier to deal than this!"

"What happened?" Hermione knelt down next to Harry.

"I have a harem," Harry said

"A harem?" Neville echoed the words back to him.

Harry nodded his head. "When my dad learned mom was pregnant with me, he and Sirius got drunk and they decided to get me a harem."

"They did what?" Hermione screeched in outrage.

"You heard me. I'm now the proud own of my very own harem of 27. And I really don't want it," Harry snarled.

"Of course, you don't want it!" Hermione exclaimed as she stood up. "Do you know what life is like for those poor women?"

"Not really," Neville admitted as Hermione started to pace back and forth.

"Well it's not like what sex starved teenage boys and men like Harry's father and godfather imagined," Hermione stated. "From what I've read, it's political inside of a harem. Who's the favorite? Who gave birth to the first-born son? What can you do for other harem members to improve your lot? It's not uncommon for male children to be murdered by someone who thought they were a threat or that it could improve their son's status. It's a life filled with intrigue, manipulation, abuse, rape…"

"Rape?" Neville sputtered.

"Of course. You don't think that some girls didn't object to being forced to marry someone they didn't love. Most of them were probably sold to the harem master by their fathers and brothers for money, political power, or favors," Hermione explained.

"Well that's another reason why I don't want it. I want to find one **girl** to fall in love with, to marry and raise a family with. I don't want or need a harem!" Harry stated.

"Then we'll find a way out," Hermione stated with conviction.

"In the letter that Gringotts sent, did it list the conditions of the harem," Neville asked.

"Yeah," Harry ran his hand through his hair again before reaching into his pants pocket to pull out the letter and hand it over to Neville.

Taking the letter, Neville quickly scanned it until he reached the conditions that Harry's father and godfather had set down concerning the harem. "If a member of the harem expresses their love for someone else than the master of the harem then the master can surrender that member to that person if the master approves of that person."

"So Harry has to find a husband for each of the girls," Hermione said.

"It also says that you can surrender your harem to someone else." Neville read.

"What!" Harry grabbed the papers out of Neville's hands and read it over. "I can! I can give someone else the harem. I can give it to…" Harry looked around wildly for someone he could give the harem to. "Hermione. I give my harem to Hermione."

And with that Harry let out a slightly insane giggle as he sat down on the stone floor. "I'm free. I'm free. No harem is for me."

"Harry James Potter! I don't want your harem! You take it back right now!" Hermione snapped.

"Nope. Nope. Nope. Don't want. It's all yours now. I'm free," Harry said with a smile.

"I think Harry's snapped," Neville looked down at his friend. "I think it would be best if we got him to the hospital wing."

Hermione let out a hmph sound as she glared at her best male friend. "Why does he do these things to me," she asked herself.

"He probably wasn't thinking," Neville answered as he pulled Harry up to his feet. "I'm sure that after he's had a chance to rest he'll apologize for putting you in this position."

Hermione sighed. "I know," she started helping Neville take Harry to the hospital wing. "But I'm still upset with him."

It took a while for Neville and Hermione to guide Harry to the hospital wing, the whole time he was singing softly to himself. "I'm free. I'm free. No harem for me."

Finally they were able to get him to lay down on the bed which everyone had unofficially labeled as Harry's bed.

"I'll go get Madam Pomfrey," Neville went to collect the school nurse.

Sighing Hermione sat down on the edge of Harry's bed. "Oh Harry, what am I to do with a harem."

"Love them, every single one of them," Harry said with a goofy smile.

Hermione patted Harry on the leg. "I don't like girls that way, Harry."

"That's a good thing, Hermione," Harry said before he started to sing, "Hermione going to the chapel to get married."

Hermione just sighed as she shook her head. It was at this moment that Madam Pomfrey walked into the hospital wing following Neville.

"I explained to Madam Pomfrey what happened," Neville said as he walked over to Harry's bed.

"Off the bed, Miss Granger," Madam Pomfrey said before casting a spell on Harry. "Just as I expected. It seems as if our Mr. Potter is suffering form a nasty shock. A calming potion and a good night rest and he should be back to normal."

Madam Pomfrey turned and walked over to the cabinet where she stored the potions for the hospital wing. Pulling out a small bottle she returned to the bed. "Come now Mr. Potter. Time to drink your potion."

Without a word Harry took the bottle and drank the potion with a single gulp. Handing the empty bottle back, Harry snuggled down into the bed and fell asleep.

"What happened to Mr. Potter?" Headmistress McGonagall asked as she walked into the hospital wing.

"Headmistress? How did you…" Neville said in confusion.

"Some of your fellow students saw you and Miss Granger assisting Mr. Potter to the hospital wing," McGonagall told him. "Now can someone explain to me what is wrong with Mr. Potter?"

"He's suffering from a nasty shock. I've give him a calming potion and he should be better in the morning," Madam Pomfrey answered.

McGonagall nodded her head in acceptance. "Do either of you know what caused Mr. Potter's condition?"

"Harry's father and godfather gave him a harem." Neville told her pulling the letter out of his pants pocket where he had stuffed it while helping take Harry to the hospital wing and handed it to McGonagall.

As the Headmistress started to read the letter, Hermione picked up the narration. "After Harry told us about the harem I started to point out the differences between reality and perverted boy's fantasy. I can't understand how some _men_ would think that two heterosexual women would love to have sex with each other for his own enjoyment, especially when either woman would ever consider to doing something like that with another woman. If a woman tried to force two heterosexual men to have sex together for **her** enjoyment, they would walk out of the room and never have anything to do with her again. Of course the women in a harem don't have that choice they're enslaved to their _owner_."

"You mean girls wouldn't?" Neville asked in confusion.

Hermione glared at Neville. "Would you like to have sex with Ron while I watch?"

"Ewww! No! No!" Neville shook his head as if to get rid of the idea

Hermione nodded her head sharply. "Good. I'm glad you understand now."

"So Mr. Potter was upset over having a harem?" Madam Pomfrey asked.

Neville nodded his head. "He didn't want it. He said he want to find **a** girl and marry her. He didn't want 27 of them. I found a section that said he could give the harem away or find someone to marry them. That was when Harry gave the harem to Hermione."

"Mr. Potter gave the harem to Miss Granger?" McGonagall said.

Both of the Gryffindors nodded their head in agreement.

"And did either one of you read this?" the Headmistress said as she waved the letter in her hands.

Hermione shook her head while Neville said, "I looked them over briefly but I didn't read the whole thing."

McGonagall nodded her head. "While normally I wouldn't discuss the personal business of another student with someone who is not part of the faculty, I find I must since Mr. Potter has given his harem to Miss Granger."

"We understand, Headmistress," Hermione said while Neville nodded his head in agreement.

McGonagall sat down on the bed next to the one Harry was sleeping on. "When James Potter and Sirius Black were still students at Hogwarts, there was a fortune teller in Hogsmeade that the students would visit when they could."

"A fortune teller," Hermione scoffed.

"I remember her," Madam Pomfrey. "Jessica Tyler. She was willing to predict who you would marry and how many children you would have but she hated it when students came in asking her how they would do on their O.W.L.s or N.E.W.T.s. I remember one student she told that he didn't have to worry about his O.W.L.s. That he would receive exactly what he deserved"

"So what did he receive?" Neville asked.

"Exactly what he deserved since he didn't study," McGonagall replied. "But getting back to the matter at hand, in the letter James explains that he had visited Ms. Tyler and was told that he would have 5 children, the first would be a girl."

"That explains your opinion on Divination," Hermione suggested.

"My problem was not with the subject but how it was being taught," McGonagall replied. "Professor Trelawney allows students to believe that they might be able to foretell the future when the truth is only a select few will ever be able to. It would be better if she taught the history and techniques used to see into the future so that they would have an understanding of what is happening when they do have the chance to meet a real seer and so they cannot be fooled by a fake one."

"But this fortune teller was wrong. She predicted 5 children and the first to be a girl," Hermione replied.

McGonagall shook her head. "No, James was the one who made a mistake. Ms. Tyler predicted the next head of the Potter line would have 5 children."

"But Harry's father was the head of the Potter line," Neville pointed out.

McGonagall shook her head. "He was in name only. Because of the war the Ministry asked a number of families to delay the official ceremony of becoming the head of their line. This included your father, Mr. Longbottom. During the official ceremony a number of other families come to recognize that this person was now the head of the line. It would have been a perfect opportunity for the Death Eaters to not only kill the majority of family members of a line but also to kill a number of heads of other family, who had come for the ceremony along with any family members of that line that is in attendance."

"So James Potter knew he was going to die," Neville stated.

"How do you figure that?" Hermione demanded.

Neville nodded to Harry. "Harry was a boy and James known that the next head of the Potter line would have a girl," he answered. "He knew that he would never live long enough to officially become the head of the line."

"Oh," Hermione said simply as she glanced down at her friend. "Oh! Oh!" she said suddenly as her eyes widened in surprise and realization.

"What is it, Hermione?" Neville asked.

"Harry…" Hermione pointed at her sleeping friend.

"Yes," Neville said with a nod of his head as a smirk started to appear on his face.

"Harem…" Hermione sputtered.

Neville nodded his head in encouragement as the smile grew.

"Me," Hermione said in a high pitched squeak.

"Oh bloody hell, girl! Yes, Mr. Potter gave you a harem of 27 young and undoubtly very sexy men for you to enjoy!" Pomfrey exclaimed. "Not that you'll know what to do with them!"

Hermione let out a squeak before collapsing to the floor unconscious.

Headmistress McGonagall looked down at the girl then up at her old friend. "It's been a while hasn't it."

Pomfrey let out a humph before spinning on her heel and marching back to her office, the whole time muttering about how hard it was to find a decent date.

Neville flinched as Madam Pomfrey slammed her office door shut. "I think Harry saved himself twice. First from his harem and the second time from everyone else who would be upset over him having a harem."

McGonagall nodded her head as she used her magic to put the young girl into a bed. "And throwing her to the… lions at the same time."

McGonagall and Neville shared a looked. "I give her 2 weeks."

"6 days at the most. Women are vicious."

"So it will be either 27 weddings or 1 funeral."


End file.
